left. left. left right..
the left side of my face has aged significantly in the past year. my receptive side. i've been doing too much receiving. and when i try to speak, i stammer. the sound that exits is painful to hear. i cry every couple of days usually for less than a minute and afterwards, i can flow somewhat better conversationally before my throat again is bound in a corset of fear. been trying to make myself cry longer to de-solidify the matters so i can speak again.
i still want sex, which is good. i imagine scenarios where i relax into the power of another. at this point i don't think i would be able to carry out the orders of someone new. unless they would be willing to meet me without words or an in-person explanation. just take me along like a stray that needs a home and is somewhat eager to obey in order to get petted and fed something healthy. something not slimy i hope. almonds would be fine.
squats are a good exercise. i did them yesterday using just the floor and my own weight. caused a somewhat delightful soreness today. i also got drunk. it was my last night in Puerto Rico with Billy and i drank 3 beers and a half glass of red wine. we went back to the room and he made love to me with his hands and mouth. i woke up with the spins but chose to ignore it and slept till 7:30.
in the morning he went to say his friendly goodbye and i said my awkward one and we dragged our luggage up to the car and we were off. our friends will find my wilted spinach in the fridge, green beans and some yogurts. they had given us vanilla flavored yogurt every morning for the past 11 days and i didn't eat any of it because flavored yogurt is disgusting. Billy was concerned that they would be offended to find all the yogurts still there and decided to take a few with us so we could throw them out at the airport. I immediately thought that was a ridiculous and wasteful idea but i didn't protest. Perhaps it's best that nobody consumes chemical-enhanced dairy and therefore we are doing humanity a small favor by disposing of it.
i really love airports. maybe i'll take a job in one. i'd have to take my vitamin C. flying is ok too but sometimes there's nausea.
Billy is aware of his old sea captain appearance and seems to be getting into it. he insists on wearing his blue shirt with the shrimp and crabs printed on it even though it accents the belly. i don't think i can bring myself to hide yet another one of his shirts. perhaps he'll give it up if i buy him some nice new ones with anchors on it or something. he also is refusing to shave and says it's a way of protesting Trump. lately i'm never certain if he's joking. i'm thinking maybe the decision is undecided until after the reaction. it was nice to feel his heavy hand on my thigh during takeoff. the love i feel surpasses all superficiality. it is profound like deep waters feeding the roots of a holy depressed oak.